I’m going to start with one of my all-time favorite sayings in the legal world:
“A person who represents themselves has a fool for a client.”
Harsh? A little.
Accurate? Almost always.
And I say that as a practicing family law attorney who still would never represent myself.
If I had a business dispute? I’d hire an attorney.
Need a will or a trust drafted? I’d hire an attorney.
Even in areas where I technically “know enough” to cobble something together… I still wouldn’t.
So if you’re thinking, “How hard can it be? I’ll just represent myself and save the money,” let’s talk about what that actually looks like in real life—especially in Pennsylvania family court.
What Does “Pro Se” Mean, Anyway?
Lawyers love Latin, so of course we had to make this sound fancier than it is.
Pro se (pronounced pro say) simply means representing yourself in court without an attorney.
No, it doesn’t mean “half-off legal fees.”
No, it doesn’t mean the judge will “help you out because you’re not a lawyer.”
It means:
- You are held to the same rules as an attorney.
- You’re expected to know the rules of procedure and the rules of evidence.
- If you mess up—miss a deadline, fail to object, leave something out—that’s on you. There is no legal refund button.
Judges are often a bit more patient with pro se litigants, but they cannot be your coach. They can’t jump in and say, “Hey, you should object here,” or “You really shouldn’t say that, you’re hurting your own case.”
They have to stay neutral. And that’s exactly where things start to go sideways for people representing themselves.
“We’re Not Fighting, We Don’t Need Lawyers”
One of the most common places people try to go pro se is in uncontested divorces or “friendly” separations.
The script usually sounds like this:
“We’re getting along. We agree on everything. We’re not going to fight. We don’t need to pay lawyers to make this harder than it has to be.”
You can represent yourselves in a divorce. You can skip mediation if you want. If you do use a mediator, remember:
- A mediator does not represent either of you.
- They cannot give legal advice.
- In Pennsylvania, they typically prepare a Memorandum of Understanding (MOU)—not a full, enforceable Property Settlement Agreement with all the legal safeguards built in.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had someone bring me their “simple” agreement from mediation or something they drafted themselves, and it’s missing critical protections.
Here’s a big one I see constantly:
The Alimony + Life Insurance Trap
Let’s say your agreement gives you alimony:
- $10,000/month
- For 5 years
- That’s $120,000/year
- Total: $600,000
You sign the agreement, you’re relieved, you budget your life around that support…
And then the paying spouse dies.
Under Pennsylvania law, alimony terminates upon death, remarriage, or cohabitation. No more monthly payments. No matter how much you were counting on them.
An attorney would know to push for something like:
- Alimony secured by life insurance
- You named as the beneficiary
- Policy amount tied to the total alimony obligation
Most pro se agreements I see? That life insurance piece isn’t there. Not because anyone is being sneaky—just because the person drafting it didn’t know to ask for it.
That one oversight can cost you hundreds of thousands of dollars.
The Forms Are Easy. The Rules Are Not.
A lot of people get tripped up even earlier, at the divorce complaint stage.
Pennsylvania has specific rules, timelines, and forms. If you mess up service, deadlines, or required language, your case can stall—or worse, you may think you’re divorced when you’re not.
But where things really fall apart is when people try to represent themselves in court—especially in custody trials and support hearings.
Evidence Isn’t “Whatever You Bring With You”
You don’t get to walk into court and hand the judge a pile of documents and say, “Here, read this.”
There are rules. Examples:
- Police reports – Almost always hearsay. Usually inadmissible unless a specific exception applies and they’re properly supported.
- Texts, emails, screenshots – You still have to authenticate them and deal with hearsay issues.
- Mental health records – Highly protected. You can’t just “tell the judge” what your ex’s therapist supposedly said.
- Any document – You generally need a witness to testify about what it is and how they know it is what you say it is.
If you don’t understand the Pennsylvania Rules of Evidence, you will almost definitely try to get in documents that the judge legally cannot consider.
And here’s the kicker:
If the judge does let something in that should have been excluded, an attorney knows to object on the record to preserve the issue for appeal.
If you don’t object?
You lose that appellate issue. You can’t fix it later by saying, “I didn’t know I was allowed to object.”
That’s not how this works.
What It’s Like Facing a Pro Se Opposing Party
People sometimes say to me, almost gleefully,
“Oh, Julie, you’re going to destroy them. They don’t have a lawyer.”
And honestly? It’s usually harder when the other side is pro se.
Why?
- They don’t understand the rules.
- They don’t streamline anything.
- They often insist on calling 15 witnesses when we only need two.
- They talk in circles, bring in irrelevant issues, and create a mess the judge has to sort through.
In Chester County, for example, we have:
- A Pretrial Status Conference – a short meeting with a judge (not always your trial judge) to identify issues, estimate how many trial days are needed, and certify the case for trial.
- A Pretrial Conference – where we submit a three-page pretrial statement with:
- A high-level overview of the issues
- A list of witnesses and what they’re expected to prove
- A list of documents
- Time estimates for the trial
Attorneys understand this is a 50,000-foot view, not a chance to re-argue the entire case on paper. Pro se parties often drown the judge in details that don’t actually move the needle.
Meanwhile, my client is paying me by the hour to respond to repetitive emails, sift through disorganized documents, and deal with procedural messes created by someone who isn’t following the structure of the process.
“But I’ll Save Money If I Don’t Hire a Lawyer”
Short answer? Maybe in the first 5 minutes. Usually not in the long run.
I’ve seen:
- People give up sole legal and physical custody, thinking they can “fix it later” when things are calmer. It took five years of litigation and attorneys’ fees to unwind that.
- People sign terrible agreements to “keep the peace,” only to spend years and thousands of dollars trying to modify or set them aside.
- People waive rights out of fear, guilt, or pressure because they didn’t have anyone objective counseling them about the long-term consequences.
It reminds me of a sign I once saw in a tattoo shop:
“If you want it cheap, I’ll fix it later.”
Except in family law, you often can’t fully fix it later. Or if you can, it’s expensive and time-consuming and emotionally brutal.
Doing it right the first time is almost always cheaper than doing it twice.
Why Lawyers Have Lawyers
Even when lawyers represent themselves, they don’t do a good job.
Why? Because we’re human.
- We get emotional.
- We lose objectivity.
- We want to prove everything with screenshots, texts, and messages instead of just testifying clearly and calmly.
- We focus on what feels important, not necessarily what is legally important.
In my own practice, when I’m in court with a client, I often hand them a pen and paper and tell them:
“If you want to tell me something, write it down.”
Why? Because their instinct is to whisper, interrupt, and pull me toward their emotional priorities—which are completely understandable, but not always what the judge needs to hear.
My job is to be a filter:
- What actually helps?
- What hurts?
- What’s legally irrelevant even if it’s emotionally huge?
When you’re pro se, you have no filter. And honestly, people often end up helping the other side’s case by oversharing, contradicting themselves, or saying things that reveal poor judgment.
I once won a contempt hearing saying maybe four words total because the pro se opposing party just kept talking and talking and talking… and every sentence dug the hole deeper.
So… Should You Ever Represent Yourself?
I’m not going to say there is never a situation where pro se representation is technically possible.
- Very simple, uncontested matters with no kids, no real estate, no long-term financial entanglements? Maybe.
- A one-time non-record conference where everyone truly agrees and you just need a basic order? Possibly.
But that’s not most people’s reality.
If you’re dealing with:
- Custody of your children
- Support that you rely on to pay your bills
- Alimony that needs to be protected
- Property that you’ve built over a lifetime
- Serious allegations (abuse, mental health, addiction, relocation, etc.)
You are not just filling out forms. You are shaping the legal structure of your future.
My honest advice?
Do it once. Do it right. Never do it again.
Bite the bullet and hire an attorney who knows this area of law, knows the judges, knows the rules of evidence, and can be the filter you absolutely cannot be for yourself.
It won’t make the process fun. It will give you a better chance at a fair, sustainable outcome—and save you from years of “fixing” a mess that could have been avoided.
Disclaimer: This post is for informational purposes only and is not legal advice. Every case is different. If you’re considering representing yourself in a Pennsylvania family law matter, you should consult directly with an attorney about your specific situation.