**Please note this is an opinion piece, based on thousands of family law cases I have worked on. Every situation has nuance and unique factors that should be considered for the best emotional outcome for the children involved.**
Deciding to divorce is never easy, especially when children are involved. Many parents wrestle with whether to stay together “for the kids,” hoping to shield them from the upheaval of a family split. However, through my experiences as a family law attorney, I have seen how staying in a broken relationship for too long can do more harm than good. Here’s why timing matters and how conscious co-parenting can help children thrive.
Early Divorce Can Allow for Rebuilding
If you know your relationship is over when your child is young—around 3 or 4 years old—there can be advantages to moving forward with a divorce sooner rather than later. At younger ages, children are still forming their emotional and psychological foundations, and while divorce may disrupt that foundation temporarily, it provides more time for rebuilding.
You and your ex-partner can work together over the years to establish a stable co-parenting relationship that helps your child adjust. The key is to provide consistency, love, and support during and after the divorce process.
Delayed Divorce: The Challenges of Older Children
Divorcing when children are older, particularly in their tween or teen years, can be more challenging. At ages 12, 13, or 14, children are navigating significant developmental milestones, building their identities, and relying on a sense of stability from their home life. A divorce at this stage may feel like it “rocks the foundation” more profoundly, as they’ve had years to develop expectations of what family life looks like.
That doesn’t mean it’s impossible to support older children through a divorce—but it does mean the process can be more emotionally complex. Open communication, therapy, and reassurance that both parents love and support them are critical during this time.
Divorce Isn’t What Hurts Kids—Conflict Is
It’s important to recognize that divorce itself isn’t what causes lasting harm to children. Instead, it’s the ongoing conflict, fighting, and putting kids in the middle that can leave emotional scars. If you and your ex can consciously co-parent and avoid contentious litigation, your children are much more likely to emerge from the divorce emotionally healthy.
Conscious uncoupling—where both parents work together to prioritize their children’s needs—can prevent many of the negative effects associated with divorce. Cooperative communication, consistency in routines, and a united front in parenting decisions go a long way in fostering a healthy environment.
Staying Together for the Kids: Why It’s Often the Wrong Choice
Many parents stay in unhappy relationships, believing it’s better for their children. However, children are perceptive. They often sense tension, resentment, or unhappiness between their parents, even if it’s not openly discussed.
Older children, in particular, can pick up on unspoken dynamics and may feel confused, anxious, or even responsible for their parents’ unhappiness. Staying together for the sake of appearances can send mixed messages, and in some cases, it can model unhealthy relationship behaviors.
The Bottom Line: Trust Your Instincts and Take Action
There’s no perfect time to divorce, but staying in a toxic or unfulfilling relationship for too long is usually the wrong choice. If you know the relationship is over, taking steps to move forward—even when your children are young—can allow everyone to heal and rebuild sooner.
By focusing on cooperative co-parenting and keeping conflict to a minimum, you can create a stable and loving environment for your children, even in two separate households. Remember, it’s not the divorce itself that impacts kids—it’s how parents handle it that truly makes the difference.